Someone on one of the apps I follow said “we ought to overthrow the government “ and someone else replied “we tried that 01/21/21”
We also tried it 04/21/1861. It was called “the civil war”. It tore the country apart and set brother against brother. Is that what they want?
My whole life has been about choices. I guess everyone’s life is , TBH. I loved philosophy and psychology in college. I was told that I couldn’t both practice in a true science and believe in impractical science.
Ive aways believed that anything is possible. It’s not always paranoia but sometimes there is someone watching you. But my life is not very interesting so how self centered do I have to be to believe everyone is catering to me.
It seems like everyone is catering to me and making sure not to hurt my feelings. I appreciate the effort, resent the need, and am embarrassed by the attention. I was always the wallflower. The one on the outside , looking in, never noticed, always envious of everyone else having an easier life. I’m starting to believe I have been undiagnosed hyperactive or on the spectrum since birth. It is not easy dealing with a spectrum person. Why I was sent to live with my grandma and went there every summer until I was 13 when I went to grandma Mannings. And got to spend the summer with my cousins & even though I don’t have a lot of great memories, the experience in whole was a turning point in my life. I felt included again. No longer on the outside for a brief period of time. Truly my cousin Trina was my only lifelong friend. The only female I’ve known since birth who was my age. I clung to her friendship yet feel guilty because she passed and I didn’t know for over a month.
That was something I can now understand about my father and grandmother. Guilt because someone important to you passed without anyone letting you know so you could morn. See them one last time. Say goodbye.
I can tell you that it’s hard not being able to say that goodbye one last time. I forgive you, one last I love you. Daddy didn’t want “no fuss” when he passed. He was cremated. Even though I wanted to be there I loved him more than I loved myself so I didn’t rush to his dying bed. I kept myself away from the two people I loved and needed comfort from at that time to not tell him one last time that I loved him. But I know that those were the last words I said to him so I had closure of a sort. Is it selfish of us to deny others their closure. Probably. Everyone needs closure. I remember doing a paper in high school about this very subject. It was just after going to my Aunt Penny’s funeral. It was closed casket. So there was no way to say goodbye and be given closure. To see the person in their true peace under the illusion of peaceful happiness one last time. To believe they are ok now. Not in pain. This is the truth that you can see they are gone. My children have asked me what I want done. I want to be cremated and thrown into the winds at the end of a pier. The sea is eternal and I want to become a part of the eternal. I chose to donate my body to science so that there will be no final costs for my loved ones. My mother said the same thing. We didn’t do what she wanted. I even believed that they were so poor that I would need to help pay for the cremation. I cashed out my 401K and had to rush back to Charlotte, NC to sign the “loan”. I paid for the newspaper announcement which was changed to whatever Lorie or Daddy wanted. I didn’t want to argue my mother was dead. I needed to deal with my own feelings not theirs. I never really mourned my mother. I feel like I failed her because I told her that I hated her. I didn’t hate my mother, I hated her choices. She loved me least.
I accept that now. That was her failure not mine. Again I now believe that I’m just like her. I swore to myself, as a teenager, to break the cycle of abuse with my children. To stop the the resentment. I failed in that endeavor and that is my issue.
I love that this society is learning to think of our children. Whitney Houston said it best. I believe the children are our future and we need to live for our future instead of by the rules and restrictions of our past. What a wonderful time to be alive.
I get depressed sometimes and want to just stop living…but my fear of not knowing something keeps me alive 😂. That and the music.
I just realized that my father was the first time someone in my children’s life passed without them having closure. I hope they are able to find their own closure. I have. I miss my daddy and mama. I love them, I just never liked them because of the choices they made. I’m beginning to believe that is true for all children and parents. As children we have to mature enough to see our own selfish nature to be able to appreciate the sacrifices and choices our parents made.
Mama married and stuck with an alcoholic even though he was the reason none of her family or friends wanted to be around her. Daddy was an alcoholic who couldn’t deal with the self-guilt or the condemnation of his family because he wasn’t able to save his father. They both smoked tobacco for most of their lives. Those were their choices to make, but I resented them for their choices because those choices had an effect on my life.
Now I have done the same thing; made choices in my life that had an effect on my children. I regret the choices but not the end result. That is what I learned from Alex. To live for today.
She has gotten me to journal for the first time in my life.
She taught me patience
She taught me bravery.
She taught me To live
She taught me that it’s ok to cut people from your life if they are toxic for you.
A trip into my internal dialogue.
I believe everyone reads my journals.
And that I post everything
I tend to over share when I’m chatty.
In my paranoid mind everyone is always testing me. Seems like everyone tests me for dementia or treats me how you would an autistic child. How would expose the child slowly to a given environment and see how the child reacts.
If you ask me when I’m high I will tell you exactly what I’m thinking. I overshare. And talk to much. I overexplane everything.
I tend to start to self care. And become when I’m medicated. I will tell you exactly how to take care of me. That is the best thing I have learned from Steve. As he realized he was declining in health. He started planning on how to teach me to take care of myself.
Ok I really do think everyone reads this. I’ve been trying to teach you how to make me comfortable.
When medicine first hits I get very emotional. I start to cry over everything. This is when I remember that everyone around me has to handle me with kid gloves because I have dementia. I become aware of myself as a person. How many mistakes I’ve made.
I become over empathetic.
I studied psychology and philosophy.
Honestly I may be an autistic child while high. In my own little world
I will self educate to find out how to handle everything. What to expect.
Because I have researched a subject I self diagnose. I notice things around me randomly
Ok this is me thinking that everyone is 200% focused on me.
I know how to take care of myself. But I need company. Someone to talk to. Steve is that to me. I believe he is self medicated with pot and alcohol for so long that he falls back to that when a doctor overprescribed medication to him.
I just realized that I’m continuing a conversation started two hours ago.
I seriously believe in my head everyone reads these posts. Lol. So self centered.
You are excited and happy right now. You’re also scared to death. I’ve been there. You are just starting on the most emotionally difficult time in your life that will end only with your own ending. From this point forward you will understand what it is like for you to make every decision knowing that your heart walks outside of your body on two brand new little legs. Her health and happiness will be your only focus.
You’re a mom now.
Did I ever tell you that I never used any drugs or alcohol because my most true lifelong dream was to be a mother. I had to set an example for my baby girl.
I’ll tell you now. She will hate you. She will tell you that to your face very loudly and often. She will hurt your feelings and tear your self confidence to its foundation. But you will do anything to give your child everything and try to protect her from suffering as you have suffered. I’ll tell you now that you will fail in that goal. But that’s ok. I think we hold our mothers in such regard and aww as a small child that we are crushed and resentful when we realize that they aren’t perfect and our hero has flaws just like everyone else.
The only way to let her become her own person is to accept that she has to experience life in order to truly live. For every hurt becomes a lesson, every bruised knee a memory to treasure.
I have dementia. I may not be around or be able to be there to call when you wake up in the middle of the night scared that you haven’t protected her.
Just know that watching you become a mother is one of my greatest joys. A joy that you may, one day, way in the future, know yourself.
I woke up hearing my husband “please don’t leave me”. I have shared every truth of my life with him and he has told me that his father died from Parkinson’s and his mother has Alzheimer’s. I know he is an active alcoholic who likes to manipulate me: easy to do since my greatest downfall is my own gullible self. I know that I willingly fall for everything. And I’m afraid I put myself in situations by trusting everyone. I have lied for him. To police. I have allowed him to believe I don’t know that his kink is “opps I exposed myself “. And my honesty with him is held against me whenever he is drunk. Then there are times that he forgets. I tell him repeatedly about my plans but he forgets. Is this his abuse of me or his decline in mental acuity
Am I trusting another looser or a man who is so much like me that he is suffering with dementia?
Is he manipulating me or am I being paranoid? He is back to refusing mental health medicine and acting suicidal. I can see a pattern of behavior in him… humans always look for patterns. I see patterns in me.
My new neurologist just “patted me on the head and said it’s all psychological. Not physical “ in latest visit. My husband got home and demanded I pay him $500 per month because the neurologist said I was fine. He’s always drunk. But there are times when he’s the wonderful person I fell in love with. The man I thought I was marrying.
I really need someone coming to check on me medically every week.
I’m scared I did it again. But we lived together for 3 years before we married. He asked me on the first date. Just holding me. Not demanding sex. I fell for his vulnerability which he has used to make me question myself again.
Bipolar disorder is another possibility. It’s almost like living with Jeckel and Hyde.
My first husband broke my nose in his drunken paranoid anger. The second broke my spirit. Hopefully the third only breaks my heart.
We teach our children that hurting others is wrong. Yet we “jk” when we hurt them. We teach our children to obey. Yet we are often the ones that cause the most harm. We tell them that “I had it bad” but do not see that our own children are suffering. “In my day” should be a phrase outlawed in every language and every country. As I get older and less sure of myself and more aware of others around me I realize that we are improving every day as a society becoming more aware of how our every action as a parent ; as a human, is a lesson to everyone else but most importantly to our own children. My children will never know exactly how much it hurts me now to know that my inability to see the abuse caused them to suffer more. That my biggest regret is not what I did…it truly is what I didn’t do…
I suffer from BvFTD with PPA and I can tell you that I sleep a lot. Mostly I blame stress. I call it shutting down or crashing. I am tired. The strain of trying each and every minute to recall names and words, getting frustrated because I can’t, then hurt when my loved ones act angry or frustrated because I misspoke or couldn’t say what I was trying to say.
Sometimes I sleep because I’m in pain. I sometimes have problems with balance so I bump into things and injure myself.
I get frustrated because I struggle with multitasking, something I used to excel at.
I get frustrated because my loved ones complain that I’ve changed (I know I have but it’s not under my control, nor is it to spite you) and act like I can no longer make any decisions.
I sleep because I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m in pain, and worst of all…I know how much has changed about me due to this awful condition.
I sleep to escape my new reality because it often feels that I’m walking through this on my own with no understanding of who I am anymore.
Sometimes I never want to wake…
I hope my children turn over access to this WordPress account. It does show my mental decline and decision ability versus my understanding of my current understanding of my mental decline and if I am still aware that there may be more than a few times that I have had moments throughout both their and my life where I didn’t rely upon word suggesting software to help them understand that I am fully aware that there were times I’m my life where I have deeply thought about the times when I had to make hard decisions in my life and it is true that I love every single person and event in my life I do have regrets for the many times my decisions were wrong for everyone except me in my own little selfish and self righteous world I will never regret a single memory I share with them. I regret the making of many memories but I do not ever regret the results. Sorry I’m not sorry 🤷♀️. So yes my darling children I do believe that life is a journey towards an unknown destination that every soul is destined to follow as it has been written and foretold since the beginning and it will be until the end. I am obsessed with reading because it is where I escaped things that I am ashamed of because I was probably programmed to be at first ashamed and PROUD to then embarrassed and and ashamed to be PROUD then confused and questioning if even I know the exact moment my brain started to fail me. I really remember sitting in the ditch in front of my Grandma Manning’s 3B1B 600 sq ft house if my memory serves me correct and overlapping my memory of and the absorbing of the information I learned at each place of employment I had in my life for the measurements of the house and memory of trying to help Mom without me taking over during the estate/sister issues she went through first possibly as a child, definitely in school, and extended beyond her own life and understanding. I sometimes get Lost in thought. Lost in a dream. Lost in fantasy while watching reality and wanting to EXIST and be remembered yet not really knowing when I had my #Divergence. Thank you Leza for adding to my safety zones. I pray you read this. I’m just wanting to remind you that i CRIED and promise to remember to remind yourself to put in your calendar a reminder to someday/s 🙏📿🤲 you think kindly and want remember that I truly tried to not play favorites nor hold long grudges in my life. Just like my cousin Hank/Henry Briley, I too feel eternally regretfully remorseful of knowing that my last memory of being with both my Grandmother/Granmére who at some point permanently became entrenched in my memory as Monmére a hodgepodge word I made up. There are times in my life that it was like I was walking around drunk/drugged all the time and there are memories that flood in sometimes that are real occurrences in my life that I sometimes can recall with absolute clarity today but I might misplace the memory tomorrow. I misplaced myself a lot in a place where there had been a lot of changes to the location I remember in my frequent trips to and from them during my before time. I struggle to remember if my memory is imbibed with many instances when I’m not 💯 sure I wasn’t influenced in some way by my desire to be the one person who was the savior of her own story
My internet keeps going off suddenly and it is causing an interference NOISE with my new implanted CGM from Dexcom. It’s the G6 and is implanted currently in my right shoulder; yes the “frozen shoulder “ one and my shoulder keeps twitching in painful ways for an undetermined amount of time kind of psychological psychotic paranoid rambling in my head because of #Theaftd.org and other organizations found only if you suddenly have a dramatic reason to focus on the world long enough to implant it deep-within long term memories strongly enough to have the ability to recall it yet be paranoid that “you just made it up” was said one too many times by too many people to my face or within my hearing or at least in my selfish self-centered dementia rattled thoughts which might or might be memories I might or might not have actually experienced. It’s a very scary place in my imagination.
For some reason Steve likes to watch Apoplectic and Holocaustic type movies in a loop sometimes The survival ones. Where everything goes to hell except a select few brave mostly white guys and busty people. #dementiathoughts #aftd.org #do#evenexistanymore🤷🏼♂️
I seem to ignore my own needs. Yet am still self centered enough to be concerned with how it will affect me. I live one movie at a time when I’m high. 😂 Death Wish. Everyone should watch the whole series. #thetruthisoutthere?maybe?😂
Comerciales are or seem to be weirdly specific to me
#justmyimagination
PROGRESS OF DISEASE #FTDSUCKS #comicbook #idontknowhowtodothis #superheroobsession
#iknowthiskid
#imnothighrightnow; #dementiatheory #downwardspiral #tallahasseeknowalice?
#rules
Why being HIV positive is a negative thing during #PRIDEMONTH #PRIDE #BEPOSSITIVE to a heterosexual man who was raped by a male relative
#Iminlovewithananonaddict #ormaybeitismyfault
#addictsaddictedtoaddicts
#whenwebothselfmedicateourowntypesofdementia
#Livingwithamanexactlylikethefatherigrewupwith
Random thought while watching Death Wish while paranoid it’s all about conspiracy theories that’s all that life is really about
The lols 😂 of being a good overly anxious kitten Mom who’s scared to sleep so fights it every night trying to tell herself that they won’t be traumatized by being told no firmly need to google what to do after you may have spoiled the kittens and are having kitten withdrawals 😢
#conspiracytheries #icantspel
Why is there an answer to this internet search ? #wchct white Christian history conspiracy theories?
#sacrafishallambmovies #allgavesomesomegaveallmovies
#butterflyeffect
#ZQ
#brucewillismovies
HOLLOW&FACELESS 